Mentoring matters! And sometimes it accomplishes much more than simply helping one acquire a new job or life skill. To illustrate the truthfulness of this rather bold assertion I want to make use of a powerful story that Donald Miller relates in his book, To Own a Dragon.
An abridged version of this interesting story goes like this:
I lived for a time with my friend and mentor John MacMurray, where the first rule is to always tell the truth. John and I were sitting in the family room one night when he asked about my new cell phone.
“I got it free,” I told him.
“How did you get it for free?” he asked.
“Well, my other one broke, so I took it in to see if they could replace it. They had this new computer system at the store and they didn’t have their records. They didn’t know whether mine was still under warranty. It wasn’t, I knew, because it was more than a year old. The guy asked me about it, and I told him I didn’t know, but it was right around a year. Just a white lie, you know. Anyway, the phone was so messed up they replaced it with a newer model. So, I got a free phone.”
“Did you ever see that movie The Family Man with Nicolas Cage?” John asked. “There’s this scene where Nicolas Cage walks into a store to get a cup of coffee. And Don Cheadle plays the guy working at the counter. There’s a girl in line before Nicolas Cage, and she’s buying something for ninety-nine cents, and she hands Cheadle a dollar. Cheadle takes nine dollars out of the till and counts it out, giving her way too much change. She sees that he is handing her way too much money, yet she picks it up and puts it in her pocket without saying a word. As she is walking out the door, Cheadle stops her to give her another chance. He asks her if there is anything else she needs. She shakes her head no and walks out.”
“I see what you’re getting at, John,” I say.
“Let me finish,” he says. “So Cheadle looks over at Nicolas Cage, and he says, ‘Did you see that? She was willing to sell her character for nine dollars. Nine dollars!'”
After a little while, I spoke up. “Do you think that is what I am doing with the phone? Do you think I am selling my character?” And to be honest, I said this with a smirk.
“I do,” John said. “The Bible talks about having a calloused heart. That’s when sin, after a period of time, has so deceived us we no longer care whether our thoughts and actions are right or wrong. Our hearts will go there easily, and often over what looks like little things—little white lies. All I am saying to you, as your friend, is, watch for this kind of thing.”
Miller concludes the story saying:
I went back to the store the next day. It cost me more than nine dollars, but I got my character back.
Based upon this story, I want to put before you three fairly straight-forward questions.
Here’s the first:
Do you have any spiritual friends like John MacMurray in your life—friends who will speak the truth in love to you even at the risk of ticking you off?
Miller refers to MacMurray as both a friend and mentor. I’m convinced it’s important to have both formal mentors and spiritual friends.
Why is this so important?
Proverbs 13:20 reads:
He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm. (Proverbs 13:20)
Walking with the wise! This is the ultimate goal of a mentoring relationship: finding an especially wise person or group of people to hang with so that some of their wisdom might rub off on us.
Over the years I’ve observed that some pretty powerful things can happen as a result of a meaningful participation in a group of genuine spiritual friends.
Our spiritual friends can:
- Help us zero in on a sense of overall direction for our lives.
- Help us make major education and career-path decisions at various crossroads moments in our lives.
- Help us make it through some especially stressful seasons of life.
- Help us get a grip on some unspiritual behaviors that we can’t seem to overcome on our own (by functioning as accountability partners).
- Help us hear God’s voice when we’re about to make a major ethical decision that can’t be undone.
But, as Donald Miller’s story indicates, there’s at least one more thing that our spiritual friends can do for us:
- Lovingly confront us whenever we make the huge mistake of selling our character.
Someone once defined a true friend this way: a true friend is someone who, when you call them at 2 in the morning and tell them you need help burying a body, they show up on your doorstep 10 minutes later carrying a shovel.
Well, that’s loyalty for sure. But according to the book of Proverbs, a true spiritual friend (or mentor) doesn’t simply support us no matter what we do, he or she loves us enough to hold us accountable as well!
Better is open rebuke than hidden love. [6] Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Proverbs 27:5-6)
The New Testament tells us essentially the same thing:
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. (Colossians 3:16)
Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. (Galatians 6:1)
My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, [20] remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins. (James 5:19-20)
So, I ask you again: do you have any spiritual friends like John MacMurray in your life?
If the answer is no, the way you answer the second question I want to put to you now might explain why.
How do you normally react when anyone dares to confront you in love?
In the story we just read, Miller is honest enough to confess that his first response to his mentor was to push back somewhat with a smirk on his face.
In other words, he had an attitude: sort of cocky, “Oh yeah; says you” frame of mind that produced a subtle but snarky response!
I get it, don’t you? Who likes to be told that they’re messing up?
But, once again, God’s word says …
He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. (Proverbs 15:31)
Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid. (Proverbs 12:1)
Wow! That’s some straight shooting, isn’t it? He who hates correction is … stupid!
Now, in Miller’s defense we have to acknowledge that though his initial response was sort of snarky or “smirky,” eventually he made the decision to heed his mentor’s counsel.
Why?
I want to suggest that, though it’s rarely easy to admit that we’ve been wrong or have made a mistake, it was the way MacMurray described the consequences of sinning against one’s conscience that got through to Miller.
I guess the question I’m asking at this point in this blog is: Would MacMurray’s admonition have gotten through to you?
You see, according to the Book of Proverbs, there are two kinds of people who simply can’t be gotten through to no matter how wise and spot on the advice: the mocker and the fool.
A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise. (Proverbs 15:12)
The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. (Proverbs 12:15)
A fool spurns his father’s discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence. (Proverbs 15:5)
Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom of your words. (Proverbs 23:9)
As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly. (Proverbs 26:11)
Though you grind a fool in a mortar, grinding him like grain with a pestle, you will not remove his folly from him. (Proverbs 27:22)
If the passages cited above strike you as a bit sobering and scary that’s actually a good sign. The very fact that reading them might cause you to hope in your heart that they don’t apply to you probably means they don’t.
Then again, if you’ve read this far and are completely unfazed by anything presented here, then …
Anyway, here’s the third question I want to put to you today:
Could it be that you need to do something right away to get your character back?
Could it be that you’re not reading this blog posting by accident? Could it be that you were supposed to read this stuff at precisely this point in your life?
In the Book of Genesis we read of a guy named Esau selling his birthright for a bowl of stew (Gen. 25:29-34)!
Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. [30] He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!” (That is why he was also called Edom.) [31] Jacob replied, “First sell me your birthright.” [32] “Look, I am about to die,” Esau said. “What good is the birthright to me?” [33] But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob. [34] Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left. So Esau despised his birthright. (Genesis 25:29-34)
Much later on the author of the New Testament Book of Hebrews would write:
See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. [16] See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. (Hebrews 12:15-16)
The same biblical author wrote these words of warning:
See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. [13] But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. (Hebrews 3:12-13)
This is precisely what our spiritual friends are supposed to do for us: encourage us not to develop a hardened heart!
This is precisely what I’m trying to do for someone reading this blog right now. Whoever you are, consider me your John MacMurray … at least for today.
God knows who you are and what you’re about. He loves you anyway and is very serious about drawing you to himself before it’s too late.
Is there some sense in which you’re being tempted right now to sell your character? Don’t do it! Your character is the only thing you will take with from this world into the next. Nothing in this world is worth the loss of a tender, sensitive conscience before God!
Or has it gone beyond that? Have you already begun a pattern of sinning against your conscience, of selling your character for a bowl of stew … or nine bucks … or whatever?
It’s not too late for you to turn back. You can do what Donald Miller did; you can do the right thing; you can get your character back!
Something to think about.
